Peter Fox

The essential element of a healthy committed relationship is emotional responsiveness. Sue Johnson speaks about helping distressed couples create that emotional responsiveness. An absolute unequivocal yes to these questions - are you there for me do I matter to you is a sign of a healthy marriage. Watch this brief video, which is the same as Video 4 linked on the Video page.

The five big regrets of the dying from a palliative care nurse: "Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again." Link to her article.

'Our attachments are so powerful that our brains code them as “safety.” Any perceived distance or separation in our close relationships is interpreted as danger because losing the connection to a loved one jeopardises our sense of security. Emotional bonding is part of our heritage and a basis of our survival; it is one of our deepest human instincts.

We want to matter to other people, and we need safe emotional connections. Johnson began to realise how the need for attachment was playing out with the couples she was seeing. “It was all about emotional bonding and the pain people get into when they cannot reach their attachment figures." When couples have trouble in a relationship, they are struggling with a basic attachment issue, according to Johnson. They want answers to questions such as, “Are you there for me?” “Can I count on you?” and “If I call, will you come?”

But if a couple is not in tune, asking those questions can be troublesome. The signals they send can be distorted and misinterpreted, with no easy response. They are caught in a trap familiar to social workers who have worked within a dysfunctional system: A miscommunication on the part of one person causes an inappropriate reaction from the other, which can lead to escalating behaviours. Social workers can intervene and create positive change to refocus the system if they are able to correctly interpret a couple’s code, and EFT may help them do this.

According to Johnson, a breakdown in a couple’s communication system typically leads to one of two patterns. One is using anger to get a response: “I can’t get you to respond to me, so I will get angry, coercive, and blaming. Occasionally, it will make you pay attention to me.”

Another pattern is that one person shuts down as a way of dealing with difficult feelings or the partner’s anger: “I can’t get you to respond to me with acceptance, so I will try not to need you at all. I’ll try to shut you out.” Unfortunately, shutting down blocks the other person out and exacerbates the negative emotional system.' Link to article.

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”

Fusion = "I'd better laugh at her joke or she'll be hurt." "I'd better not disagree with his ridiculous political view, or he'll get upset." "I'd better not leave her side at this party, or she'll feel insecure." "I'd better not wear this stunning dress, or he'll be upset if other men see me looking beautiful." "I'd better not talk about quantum mechanics, or he'll feel inadequate." Link to the article.

What is it:

"Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I’m upset? Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends? Can I trust you to work for our family? To not take drugs? Can I trust you to not cheat on me and be sexually faithful? Can I trust you to respect me? To help with things in the house? To really be involved with our children?

Trust is related to the secretion of oxytocin, which is the “cuddle hormone,” the hormone of bonding. It’s also a hormone we secrete when we have an orgasm; the stronger the orgasm, the more oxytocin we secrete.

How to build it:

Trust is built in very small moments, which I (John Gottman) call “sliding door” moments, after the movie Sliding Doors. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.

My (John Gottman) graduate student Dan Yoshimoto has discovered that the basis for building trust is really the idea of attunement.
He has broken this down with the acronym

ATTUNE, which stands for:

Awareness of your partner’s emotion;
Turning toward the emotion;
Tolerance of two different viewpoints;
trying to Understand your partner;
Non-defensive responses to your partner;
and responding with Empathy.

By contrast, the atom of betrayal is not just turning away - not just turning away from my wife’s sadness in that moment - but doing what Caryl Rusbult called a “CL-ALT,” which stands for “comparison level for alternatives.”

What that means is I not only turn away from her sadness, but I think to myself, “I can do better. Who needs this crap? I’m always dealing with her negativity. I can do better.”

Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship; of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner; of building resentment rather than gratitude; of lowering your investment in the relationship; of not sacrificing for the relationship; and of escalating conflicts.

Read more here from this interview with John Gottman.

The main aim of couples counselling is to help the two of you communicate in a way that isn't possible at home." We both nod like people awaiting test results. "And I like people to feel it's very much their time here. So if you want to laugh or cry, it's up to you." Oh God, I think. I hadn't considered the possibility of crying. Link to a ligh hearted article.

"Gottman found that most conflict (69%) are about ongoing differences in beliefs and values. Couples need a way of talking over issues about which they will probably never agree. A good counsellor can help couples listen to feelings beneath the words, which increases respect and closeness...

Counselling gave me a much better understanding of my partner and myself. It made me more compassionate and helped me to find words to express previously amorphous emotions. Wherever your path takes you, it can help to have another person as coach, guide, facilitator.

Dr. John Gottman spent forty years researching how couples create close, lasting relationships and what it takes to turn a distressed marriage around. Using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, 85% of couples were able to turn their relationships around.

More recently, Johnson et al followed couples who sought the help of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Ninety percent of couples using this approach felt their relationships had improved, and 70-73% felt that their marriage difficulties were solved after after 10-30 counselling sessions. Even better, for both these approaches, couples continue to improve after marriage counselling is over. The level of distress and severity of the problem did not matter much – it explained only 4% of these couples’ counselling success." Link to more of this article.

"Once you have shortlisted a few potential therapists and you need to select the one you will have to interview them. How comfortable do you feel, what is your gut feeling on the space and on the person? If you don’t feel at ease, if something is unconvincing, listen to your feeling." Link to article.

"There are therapists who have had wonderful training wasted on them but who will never be therapeutic because they are still members of the child generation and have not moved up to the parent perspective. They might do well to rethink their career choices until they have worked out their business with their own parents.
Child-generation therapists might think that guilt is a killer, and any relationship, any reality, any responsibility must be shucked to protect grown children from guilt. They may encourage you to blame your life on the mistakes of your parents rather than encourage you to find out what the experience was like for your parents, how they learned to be the people and the parents they were, and how they would do it over again now. That exploration brings parents and children together, and can set them both free. An adult-generation therapist (of any age) will see both you and your parents through the eyes of an adult rather than just through the eyes of a child, and will know that you must forgive your parents if you are ever to be free of your sense of childlike helplessness.
The point of exploring your parents' deficiencies is for you to correct the misinformation you've received as a result, not to blame your life on them and then avoid them. You can't escape them anyway. Your biological parents are present in every chromosome in your body. The parents who raised you are present in every word you speak, every action you take. Your job is not to satisfy your parents, nor to fix them, but to understand them. Only through understanding them can you finally understand yourself." Frank Pitman in 'Grow Up!'. Link to the rest of this article.

‎"Couples counselling is about three times as difficult as individual, and although I do some of my best work with them, I sometimes find myself overwhelmed. There's so much to keep in mind! Structuring the communication; keeping their personality styles in mind, their individual needs as well as their "we" needs; their family of origin issues; and attempting to uncover any unstated (or unconscious) agendas on one or both their parts - sometimes this can all crescendo on me in a session and I'm like a deer caught in the headlights. Only the headlights are from two cars on course for a head-on collision." Full article here

‎"At this point we've been seeing the marriage counsellor for a few months, and I've learned a thing or two about communicating. We all want to think that our communication problems at home are different from the communication problems we have at work. In fact, the communication skills are the same at home and at work, just the stakes are higher at home, where getting fired is not just a new job hunt." Link to funny article.

'If you've ever told your spouse, 'I talk until I'm blue in the face,' or 'It's in one ear and out the other,' stop whatever you're doing and read this book immediately! You're about to discover why talking things out isn't always the best way to get through to your spouse or achieve more closeness and connection. More important, you'll learn exactly what you need to do today to truly transform your relationship forever." Men are right. The "relationship talk" does not help. Dr. Patricia Love's and Dr. Steven Stosny's 'How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It' reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness:

Love is not about better communication. It's about connection.

You'll never get a closer relationship
with your man by talking to him like you
talk to one of your girlfriends.

Male emotions are like women's sexuality:
you can't be too direct too quickly.

There are four ways to connect with a man: touch, activity, sex, routines.

Men want closer marriages just as much as women do,but not if they has to act like a woman.

Talking makes women move closer;
it makes men move away.

The secret of the silent male is this:
his wife supplies the meaning in his life.

The stunning truth about love is that talking doesn’t help.

Have you ever had this conversation with your spouse?
Wife: “Honey, we need to talk about us.”
Husband: “Do we have to?”

Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied this all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn’t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart.

The reason for this is that underneath most couples’ fights, there is a biological difference at work. A woman’s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man’s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can’t happen through words.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don’t require “trying to turn a man into a woman.” Rich in stories of couples who have turned their marriages around, and full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.'

Quoted from a review of the book at Amazon. Here is a review of the book at CNN

How each individual’s body is organised around their intimate partner has substantial impact on their interactions. For example: It took me several sessions to notice that when Sam spoke to Jennifer he had his head tilted slightly upwards. I asked the couple if it would be okay for them to try a little experiment. I wondered out loud what would happen if he allowed his chin to tilt down just a couple of inches. Link to article

Dialogue is collaborative: two or more sides work together toward common understanding.

Debate is oppositional: two sides oppose each other and attempt to prove each other wrong.

In dialogue, finding common ground is the goal.
In debate, winning is the goal.

In dialogue, one listens to the other side(s) in order to understand, find meaning, and find agreement.
In debate, one listens to the other side in order to find flaws and to counter its arguments.

Dialogue enlarges and possibly changes a participant's point of view.
Debate affirms a participant's own point of view.

Dialogue reveals assumptions for reevaluation.
Debate defends assumptions as truth.

Dialogue causes introspection on one's own position.
Debate causes critique of the other position.

Dialogue opens the possibility of reaching a better solution than any of the original solutions.
Debate defends one's own positions as the best solution and excludes other solutions.

Dialogue creates an open-minded attitude: an openness to being wrong and an openness to change.
Debate creates a closed-minded attitude, a determination to be right.

In dialogue, one submits one's best thinking, knowing that other peoples' reflections will help improve it rather than destroy it.
In debate, one submit's one's best thinking and defends it against challenge to show that it is right.

Dialogue calls for temporarily suspending one's beliefs.
Debate calls for investing wholeheartedly in one's beliefs.

In dialogue, one searches for basic agreements.
In debate, one searches for glaring differences.

In dialogue, one searches for strengths in the other positions.
In debate, one searches for flaws and weaknesses in the other position.

Dialogue involves a real concern for the other person and seeks to not alienate or offend.
Debate involves a countering of the other position without focusing on feelings or relationship and often belittles or deprecates the other person.

Dialogue assumes that many people have pieces of the answer and that together they can put them into a workable solution.
Debate assumes that there is a right answer and that someone has it.

Dialogue remains open-ended.
Debate implies a conclusion."

Source: the civic renewal movement.

The situation is more complex than either person can see - the what happened conversation. "Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions to the table; there are likely to be important things that each of us doesn't know."
The feeling conversation - the situation is emotionally charged. "Feelings are the heart of the situation. Feelings are usually complex. I may have to dig a bit to understand my feelings."
The Identity Conversation positive Assumption: "There may be a lot at stake psychologically for both of us in this difficult conversation. Each of us is complex, neither of us is perfect. Positive Goal: Understand the identity issues on the line for each of us. Build a more complex self-image to maintain my balance better." Link to the three conversations.

Collected wisdom from the field of marital therapy.
Research has shown that most couples have approximately 10 issues they’ll never resolve. Even if you switch partners, you’ll still have irresolvable issues. Therefore, while some conflicts and differences will be resolved with good communication, don’t expect a perfect marriage.

More than 90 percent of all arguments between couples are over money, time, kids, sex and jealousy, in-laws and friends. Learn how to live with and accommodate your differences.

Love ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. Learn new ways to interact, and the feeling can come flowing back. Be creative and try to remember the little things that you used to do that worked in the past to please your partner. You’ll be surprised how, with just a little bit of effort, a spouse can rekindle the flame or put a warm smile on the face of his/her partner.

Remember marital satisfaction drops with the birth of a baby. It’s normal. Hang in there. And remember, that even in a triangle, there is room for a dyad to emerge. Don’t forget about the dyad.

Sex ebbs and flows, too. Enjoy the flows. Communicate with your partner about what in lovemaking are the things that turn you on. Remember, your partner cannot read your mind. Link to article.

"BBC Radio 4 programme on libido and sex drive. It covers everything from how often people have sex, to whether there is a difference between men and women, and the effect of ageing, lovers, marriage and medical treatments on sex drive." Via Mind Hacks and also posted in the blogs on togetherness at word press

The study quizzed 434 married and unmarried couples ages 18-25 about their relationships. Almost half of the couple disagreed as to whether or not they were seeing each other exclusively, even though they said they had discussed it. Married couples were no more likely than others to have an explicit monogamy agreement in place, and couples with children were even less likely to have an exclusivity agreement.
"Couples have a hard time talking about these sorts of issues, and I would imagine for young people it’s even more difficult. Monogamy comes up quite a bit as a way to protect against sexually transmitted diseases. But you can see that agreement on whether one is monogamous or not is fraught with issues. Link to article

‎"I wrote the book as a foreign therapist exploring American sexuality. I was intrigued by why American society is so intransigent about infidelity and much more tolerant about divorce, when more traditional societies have opted the other way. But when the book got translated in China and Japan and Turkey I began to think that I did not describe an American phenomenon, I’ve described a Western phenomenon." Link to excellent interview with Esther Perel

The answer to the question “Do you like the taste of beer?” is more predictive than any other of whether you’re willing to have sex on a first date. OK Cupid has analyzed couples who met on the site and have since left it. Of 34,620 couples the site analyzed, the casual first-date question whose shared answer was most likely to signal a shot at longevity was “Do you like horror movies?” Excellent article. Link

A kiss outperforms a dating web site. 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women say they have ended a budding relationship because of a bad kiss. You're more likely to remember your first kiss than losing your virginity. Most of us can recall 90 per cent of the details of the experience. Men appear to be most attracted to and protective of women at the peak of their reproductive cycles, during ovulation - it's in the kiss. Link to article.

"I believe there is one addiction process, whether it manifests in the lethal substance dependencies of my Downtown Eastside patients, the frantic self-soothing of overeaters or shopaholics, the obsessions of gamblers, sexaholics and compulsive internet users, or in the socially acceptable and even admired behaviors of the workaholic. Drug addicts are often dismissed and discounted as unworthy of empathy and respect.

In telling their stories my intent is to help their voices to be heard and to shed light on the origins and nature of their ill-fated struggle to overcome suffering through substance use. Both in their flaws and their virtues they share much in common with the society that ostracizes them. If they have chosen a path to nowhere, they still have much to teach the rest of us. In the dark mirror of their lives we can trace outlines of our own.

I've written In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts because I see addiction as one of the most misunderstood phenomena in our society. People--including many people who should know better, such as doctors and policy makers--believe it to be a matter of individual choice or, at best, a medical disease. It is both simpler and more complex than that.

Addiction, or the capacity to become addicted, is very close to the core of the human experience. That is why almost anything can become addictive, from seemingly healthy activities such as eating or exercising to abusing drugs intended for healing. The issue is not the external target but our internal relationship to it. Addictions, for the most part, develop in a compulsive attempt to ease one’s pain or distress in the world. Given the amount of pain and dissatisfaction that human life engenders, many of us are driven to find solace in external things. The more we suffer, and the earlier in life we suffer, the more we are prone to become addicted.

The inner city drug addicts I work with are amongst the most abused and rejected people amongst us, but instead of compassion our society treats them with contempt. Instead of understanding and acceptance, we give them punishment and moral disapproval. In doing so, we fail to recognize our own deeply rooted problems and thereby forego an opportunity for healing not only for them, the extreme addicts, but also for ourselves as individuals and as a culture.

My book, in short, is an attempt to bring light to core issues shrouded in darkness. The many positive responses I’ve received encourage me to believe that I’ve succeeded in making a contribution toward that goal. Best wishes, Gabor Maté..

Quoted from the review of "InThe Realm of Hungry Ghosts" at amazon.com